schoolgirl

uniforms
the shirt, white striped grey
top button undone, loose tie
the thrill of exposed clavicle
nails pared short short
clear nail varnish and flouted rules
hair in buoyant ponytail
flip flick fly
gray a-line skirts swish
half an inch
above knees, above sleek bronzed legs
trim ankles shod
in neat white socks
artistically folded scrunched squeezed
the white white canvas shoes
that sense of possibility
and the pirouette and the twirl

and suddenly i remembered
how fabulous it was to be sixteen

would you?

Wasn't expecting what I got.
And I've forgotten what I'd thought.
But was it fair to press me so
Merely because you had to know?

And now it is I who will wonder
at changes of opinion

ells

happiness is
charades in canteens
compliments from teens
pirouettes and preens
daydreaming of kisses
coming home to roses
unexpected surprises
that's what it is

and i bite my lip
to keep from smiling
what did i ever do
to deserve so much?

birthday haiku

Surprise compliments
come at unearthly hours
bringing hot blushes

flirt

In the company of boys I find myself
Not all of me, oh; not really me, no
Just a fascinating, interesting, captivating creature
One I rather think I'd like to know

all lies

And then I use
my youth as excuse
to get away
with the things I say
Young and foolish
I mouth with relish
For I do not
Give a thing much thought
Did I hurt you?
Just something I do.

insecurities

And yesterday I asked someone
what he thought of my poetry
and I watched him as he read it
and in his face I tried to see
what he was thinking

and when he looked up at me
before he said a single word
in his eyes I saw my face
and then I stopped hoping
because that face I know
I've seen that face before
and whatever I've felt or thought
that face I've always lied to

shirking responsibilities

I am heavy excuses
I am stifling lies
I am sweet distractions
I am people's eyes

I am my burning shame
But I say it and forgive it
Is that right?

artistic temperament

Voices shrill and talk inconsequential
People whom you want away
out out away
dead

Madness, my words
are slipping away
with the screaming sounds
the incessant chatter
gossip and complaints
and compliments
and judgements

A grinding need
for pounding sound
to drown out
all the lunacy

Get away from me
My teeth are willing to bite
And my eyes to shriek
I want to write here
I need to write here

Snap slash slap smash
Leave. Me. Alone.

you always know what to do

when it's someone else as needs you




Oh, is no one stopping by?

me, perhaps

Why do I do it?
I have tears in my bones and aches in my eyes
I have people who begin
to mean more than they should again
I have things that don't matter
back in my tired head again

What do they call people who refuse to learn from old mistakes?

instincts

Strange men, and hands on arms
Overly intense attention, and a person's eyes
On you
Conversations where
you are suddenly listened to
as though everything you say
is electric
I cannot understand it
Did I give you any sign to get up so close?

non-confidence

Did you miss me? And would you tell?
And if told you didn’t know me well
Would you contradict, demur?
And convince me, certain – sure
That all the time together we spend
Has made me now your new best friend?

Or then again, are you aware
Of just how much I really care?
And is all this flattering attention
Just some thoughtful condescension?
Designed to keep this annoying slave
Off your back, get her to behave
With something approaching decorum
By behaving like she’s just a chum?

Oh, don’t you know it’s the greatest mistake to
Talk to me just as you would talk to
Any of your masculine friends?
It misses the point that it intends

By making me feel like I’m someone
With whom you could have a little fun
You make me think of just exactly how
much your company means to me now

When I’m with you I can be truly
Me, and I don’t worry unduly,
I don’t panic, don’t lose my head
Over something someone did or said

When I’m with you, there’s only you
And me, in all the world just two
The two of us, then all the rest
Hmmm. I fear that I’m obsessed

I know I cannot help the way
I feel about you; and if I say
You make my day, my month, my year
I know you’ll leave me standing here
Choking in a cloud of dust
As you run away, oh unjust!
Is it that wrong to show affection
My appreciation of this connection
The kindred spirits we seem to be?
Is it that wrong? Go on, tell me

You are my easiest conversation
Antidote to my isolation
You mess up my mind, my marvelous muse
I’d thought we had something we'd never lose
That would always remind us of things we'd shared.
That all the things you told me meant you cared

But you didn’t even care enough to say
“I’m falling in love with your best friend.”
If you had, I would have said “Hooray!”
And meant it, and not had to pretend

But the things you could’ve said to stop the pain
I had to say instead because you didn't
Pick up the pieces and fix myself again
Because this time you couldn't, or wouldn't
And all these things I told myself
Locked my pain away up on a shelf

But then, oh then, I think again
And would I really have preferred
Some comforting lie, excuse inane
Than wait from explanations never heard?

If you’d told me I was your darling girl
And that so I would always remain
Would I have avoided all that hurt?
Could I have eased any of my pain?

One last thing, and then I’ll go
One final thing that needed to be said
I love you; and if you didn’t know
You must have been blind, and deaf, and dead.