at that point when i'm mutilating daisies

I miss you when you're gone
I miss you all the time
I wish you were here, though i cannot imagine
past the fulfilment of that one wish
I drop references of you into disconnected conversations
the way one drops names of famous people one knows,
nonchalantly on purpose, like secrets that beg to be told
I think of you every second second
in spurts and shocks and spite
(in spite)
of all better judgement
I hold long discussions with you in my head
where I say all the things I wish I could think of
when you were around, when people heard me
I wait with busy signals and pointed status messages
all for you, only for you
and I forgive you when you never notice
I write you letters pages long in my imagination
and then tear them up because
they all end up making uncomfortable admissions
that I am not sure i believe...or want to

I've been here before
will I survive another one?

retreating into old habitats

I can no longer find the words
with which to cover my confusion
I do not know if I can stand
how will I bear to stand uncovered
unclothed here without the benefit
of my inconsequential chatter

I worry that not speaking my mind will mean
that it is more misunderstood than ever
But in these silences I find calm
Is that not something to be happy for?

for lack of better subject lines

you hurt me, you do
even if you don't mean to
or want to
and i wonder at how many tears i will cry
before the coincidences overwhelm

for i'm tired of being cautious
and i don't know how
to read what you give me
you expect so much
more than i can give you
perhaps it's time to
just let it go

limbo

If there were some way
I could unburden

If there were a way I could
lessen the load
the guilt, the shame
promises unfulfilled
potential unrealized
if I could
I wonder
if I would

Because if I told someone
someone would know
what would i do for secrets, then?

does it have bunnies

sickle cycle
how we turn
to stay in
the here and now

and other Pink Floyd moments

I can't wrap my heart around you

I can't

You're not here

Where I am

'pologies

Sure, I knew from the beginning
This equivalent to summer fling
would last as long as we would let it
Or I, in case you didn't get it
I wondered just a little though
If I shouldn't have felt more low
Apparently, though, there is no guilt
At the charming picture I have built
Perhaps because I had the sense
To make no wishes in future tense,
make no promises in my sleep...
Only promises that I could keep

:)

regretfully

Mister, I can't
talk to you any more
I am afraid of losing myself
of pretending to be somebody
because i think you'll like her
better

See, I did it before
I won't do it again
so goodbye

I have had a nice time, though
And mostly I was me
Mostly, unexpectedly
Much thanks for that, sir

sunday sleeping

I dreamed of you but
not involuntarily
not unconsciously, not subconsciously
the un-prefixed way; on purpose
scenarios putty in my mind
Like daydreams, only not
because i sleep for these
Sleep multiple night-times
in the middle of the afternoon
sleep pudgy lethargy
until I come out on the other side
and then turn over
and do it again

I didn't expect to miss you
and then did it anyway
When are you coming home?

because it isn't exactly blue

go away, marcie
i'm very good at references
see the pie
he loves me because
of the terrible fish

ellipses

perhaps the deepest secret regret is
that i will never find that perfect series
of random events that are so easy
to imagine in my wildest dreams
perhaps romance is
not something that will find me
tiptoeing unhindered up behind me
to give me memories
i already remember
from tomorrow
perhaps there are no love stories
for someone like me

wrapped

crushing
first boy i told
so bold
mother, she would scold
well hey
were i to say
oh, stay
would you say okay
chat a while
and smile
or is it all futile

like whistles

assonance

little white cat
it made overtures
crouched under cabinet
my mews alternating
her eyes gleaming
and with lights out
a streak
of flying fur

tomorrow, perhaps purrs

anthem

This is my body
You will not touch it
Not without explicit
permission from me

cattle prod

and when you go to sleep at night
do you replay all the things we said?
when walking, wandering, do you hear
created conversations in your head?

and when i send you letters without
subject, purpose, stucture; do
you think that they require replies,
or are they simply passing through?

write me, go ahead
yes, i know that i'd said
i wrote not for replies
well, then write me some lies
what are you afraid of letting slip, anyway?

not what they were looking for

what if i just go, what if i just take
the next bus that comes, to away and back
let go of everything, everyone
break the ties that bind

and i want shoulders to cry on
but i cannot trust the ones around
i know, like quicksand they'll slip
slide under weary eyes
and the tears will only puddle
around my feet again

perhaps i should be watching better
almost fell out that hole in my head
i'm so much older than i can take
and the repetitions drain out more
than i can spare

showing petticoats

went out walking
in love with you
and everyone knew

perhaps it was
the smiling
the humming
the pirouette every third step

but no
perhaps it was
that i yelled it
out loud
let the secret out
with the cat

oh, but it couldn't have been
really
i know better
that would have been as bad as
sunday
longer than
monday

all backwards

i want to be owned,
property
someone's chattel, taken
for granted just as
i am now, only rightfully
because it will be
voluntary, don't you see?

because i do not care
for convention
suffrage, liberation
my women's rights
i only want
someone who'll know me
come and own me
say be mine
and i'll say yes, because
what else do i want from life
really?

just a favour, person
would you, say
please yell me a sigh?

repeating

come and go
little new people popping
in and out of
heart and head
('the sound is plonk',
he said)
and oh, but I tried
so hard and
(can someone see me cry?)
still they do
what they do
and that old refrain
if they would but
refrain
from leaving always
every time
it would be rather
nice,
i'm thinking.

thought yesterday

there
was somebody
asked to kiss me
wish
i'd said yes
when i had the chance

begging your pardon

if ever
you find me
would you please
let me know
i haven't
i haven't seen
i haven't been
myself
very well
lately

unnecessary

why do you persist in pushing me away
with deliberate cruelty, rudeness unwarranted?
what do you hope to achieve anyway
will uncalled-for unkindness get you what you wanted?

fifteen

heart aches unexpected and i cannot fix it
and somebody precious cares for me no more
there, the same old litany runs though my head
once again, oh again; i learn nothing from before

he asks me for letters; how will I write them? how?
when I've tried all this while not to manipulate him
how can I try to use those same words now
to try and apologize, to calm and placate him?

i can see only waiting, and hoping, and wishing
but i cannot see a sign that this will end well
too many times, too many people have i
put through this version of my mental hell

and again i will run to corners dark and cold
clutch myself to myself and weep and bawl
how could he think i meant it the way he thought i meant it?
oh, does the boy not know me at all?

about boys

Did you miss me? And would you tell?
And if told you didn't know me well
Would you contradict, demur?
And convince them, certain – sure
That all the time together we spend
Has made me now your new best friend?

Or then again, are you aware
Of just how much I really care?
And is all this flattering attention
Just some thoughtful condescension?
Designed to keep this annoying slave
Off your back, get her to behave
With something approaching decorum
By treating her she's just a chum?

Oh, can't you see it's a mistake to
Talk to me as you would talk to
Any of your masculine friends?
It misses the point that it intends

By making me feel like I'm someone
Smart and charming and witty and fun
You make me think of just exactly how
much your company means to me now
You have me thinking friendship isn't hard
You got me letting down my guard

You are my easiest conversation
Antidote to my isolation

When I'm with you I can be truly
Me, and I don't worry unduly,
I don't panic, don't lose my head
Over something someone did or said

When I'm with you, there's only you
And me, in all the world just two
The two of us, then all the rest
Hmmm. I fear that I'm obsessed

I know I cannot help the way
I feel about you; and if I say
You make my day, my month, my year
I know you'll leave me standing here
Choking in a cloud of dust
As you run away, oh unjust!
Is it that wrong to show affection
My appreciation of this connection

I can feel you falling away from me
Biti by bit, slow, inexorably
And all the things you could have said
I had to say instead because you didn't
Pick up the pieces and fix my head
Because this time you couldn't, or wouldn't

Because I thought, with all that pain
that I really would have preferred
A comforting lie, excuse inane
Than wait for explanations never heard?

So all those things I told myself
Reached up, put the pain away on a shelf

One last thing, and then I'll go
One final thing that needed to be said
I loved you; and if you didn't know
You must have been blind, and deaf, and dead.

thinking about tomorrow

you smile, my heart turns
over, falls over, flips, like
pancake flapjack flop
and giggles gurgle on lips that
dream of other things
i cannot say out loud
at least until i know
for sure

right or left?

Now you see
That with me
Best policy
Is the honesty

And the smartest, too.

venus undone

every signal I send is wrong
and i, i am afraid again, afraid,
and i cannot tell what will happen except
that i will be unhappy,
and that's surely no surprise?
i cannot bear it i cannot and i do it
with a regularity and dedication that
surprises, the pushing away;
i go about it as systematically as war, because
of course it is war only i am my only enemy
and i will drive them away every one
until I'm all alone again

if there were a single person who could
who could call me on it i would cry, i would try
i would die and not be so miserable, perhaps

and i will write here these stupid words crying
out for attention like little starving babies
with big bellies, and i will still tell no one
continue to go to bed with heart
heavy and weary and weeping

and the ones i want to have asking about me have
all gone, gone; gone away and forgotten and
i cannot understand why i have to still hang on
to them, why; except perhaps that they
cannot leave and will not and
my head is a cruel and cold place to be right now

i want a chest i can bury my face in
and never step away from
only i am not ready for love or anything approaching
why have you forsaken me?

all gone

Sometimes I say things out loud
and it's the first time I've heard them
I take whatever little is given
And have not the confidence of a worm
What does it mean
when twenty two screams too late?
Oh, somebody stop by
and give me a purpose


I feel suddenly the urge
to reach out and touch someone

should have seen it

And I pretend that I take
buses for intellectual stimulation
for adventure
and people and pictures and words
But we both know
I only take the bus alone
because no one will ask me
to ride in the car

And I persist in forgetting
that none of them ever called me friend.

because

of the truths they tell
when your head is swollen
and the lies they tell
when your heart is broken

what else are the friends for?

spotlight

I stand at the mirror
practising smiles
and I wait for inspiration
For I cannot pretend
I've never been able
Not unless they know
Not unless I tell
Not unless it is
a production promoted
with bells and whistles
and a warning