venus undone

every signal I send is wrong
and i, i am afraid again, afraid,
and i cannot tell what will happen except
that i will be unhappy,
and that's surely no surprise?
i cannot bear it i cannot and i do it
with a regularity and dedication that
surprises, the pushing away;
i go about it as systematically as war, because
of course it is war only i am my only enemy
and i will drive them away every one
until I'm all alone again

if there were a single person who could
who could call me on it i would cry, i would try
i would die and not be so miserable, perhaps

and i will write here these stupid words crying
out for attention like little starving babies
with big bellies, and i will still tell no one
continue to go to bed with heart
heavy and weary and weeping

and the ones i want to have asking about me have
all gone, gone; gone away and forgotten and
i cannot understand why i have to still hang on
to them, why; except perhaps that they
cannot leave and will not and
my head is a cruel and cold place to be right now

i want a chest i can bury my face in
and never step away from
only i am not ready for love or anything approaching
why have you forsaken me?